FYI, Passover is coming...

Unless you are Jewish, you can't understand the looooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg tradition of the Passover Seder. The Seder, meaning "order," is a dinner during which time the participants--family and friends recall the exodus of the Jews from Egypt, and out of slavery. Some traditional foods are served that represent different aspects of this historical celebration. If you were raised in an Orthodox home, as part of YOUR tradition, you expect to be seated for perhaps hours. If you are "Reform"...or "low cal" your butt muscles may not be up to being seated for a lengthy Seder. One tradition, is to surround yourself with cushions, to make this meal long and leisurely...exactly the opposite of the Jew's epic rush out of Egypt. The matza...unleaven bread...is served. Anyone who works with yeast-based bread knows that it takes hours for the dough to rise. Matza, a flavorless bread (more like a large, unsalted firm Saltine) has no yeast...there was no time for it to rise back in the day. So we serve it during Passover in remembrance of the big rush. We drink four glasses of wine!! Yes we do!! (Traditionally, teenagers' favorite part of the meal.) We eat bitter herbs (horseradish) to remind us of the bitterness of slavery. Dip parsley into salt water--the salt water is to remind us of the tears that were shed. If you watch some of those old movies that usually star Charleton Heston, where there are all kinds of miracles and such...you kind of get the Hollywood idea of the basis of Passover.

Passover lasts a week, but we do two Seders. Usually we serve matza ball soup...a yummy chicken soup with matza balls. The matza balls are like fluffy round dumplings. Not just for Passover...if you are sick, the broth pulses through your body like plasma, the chicken makes you strong, the veggies make you healthy, the matza balls sit in your stomach leaving no room for germs. After the meal, the kids look for the piece of matza that was hidden when they were busy eating the soup. Whoever finds it, wins a prize. The kid who finds the matza gets a couple of dollars, and a box of candy. We always give EACH of the kids a box of candy and/or a book...probably a "socialist" tradition that we created...it keeps the peace in the family.

Our family tradition is to do a pre-school version of the Seder...it is short and sweet, the grandchildren get the picture, without getting cranky. Apparently, there are many adults who have the attention span and patience of preschoolers. My friend Eleanor, sent me this...I wish I had been clever enough to write it myself.

"For those of you who don't have the patience to sit thru a full Seder: The Two-Minute Haggadah - A Passover service for the impatient.

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent
bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-brow beat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through. The Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If He'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough. If He'd parted the Red Sea (remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) etc.

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some more songs. Try to stay awake.
Who knows one? Who knows two through thirteen?

Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until God steps in.

Go to sleep.

Do it again another night."