A simple test...
My friend Diane sent me a simple test to take to see if I'm ready to have kids...a little frigging bit late, wouldn't you say, since my babies are now 37, 35, 21, and almost 19.
So I send this test on to you. The questions are right on target; if you don't do well on this test, maybe you'd better think about getting a small aquarium with a snail in it, or an inexpensive silk floral arrangement instead of having kids.
I am not trying to scare you. And, please don't get me wrong, I adore my kids. But now that they require less "hands on" care, it is easier to look back and realize just how much of myself got sucked into the black-hole of child-rearing.
One day you wake up and you're old and trying to go back to college or rediscover who YOU really are! And if you are a really involved parent, like I like to think I am, a lot of who you are is wrapped up in who they are! And you don't want to disengage, and you don't look back with regrets. And while this little "test" is designed to entertain and make you laugh, there is a little kernel of truth to it! Enjoy.
How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
So I send this test on to you. The questions are right on target; if you don't do well on this test, maybe you'd better think about getting a small aquarium with a snail in it, or an inexpensive silk floral arrangement instead of having kids.
I am not trying to scare you. And, please don't get me wrong, I adore my kids. But now that they require less "hands on" care, it is easier to look back and realize just how much of myself got sucked into the black-hole of child-rearing.
One day you wake up and you're old and trying to go back to college or rediscover who YOU really are! And if you are a really involved parent, like I like to think I am, a lot of who you are is wrapped up in who they are! And you don't want to disengage, and you don't look back with regrets. And while this little "test" is designed to entertain and make you laugh, there is a little kernel of truth to it! Enjoy.
How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
posted by Cinnabitch | 12:28 AM
2 Comments:
OUTSTANDING! And, any parent can easily relate.
You are a vast treasury of wisdom.
I failed miserably with the final assignment. Many years ago... MANY, when my 30-year old nephew was a toddler, I made some suggestions to my sister regarding the raising of young children. This was based upon my own experience with my two older and abnormally well-behaved daughters. My sister and I have only just (within the past 5 months) begun speaking again.
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